fried

my lungs/brain/levels of seratonin are totally fucked up. i’m so doped up on drugs, it seems. what i thought was under control is beginning to take over. and i pity myself. good news, though: its been over a week since i’ve talked to derrick, and i did it without ever actually feeling like i needed or wanted to. i guess i’ve been a busy bee hanging out everyday with either my cousin/sister, habib, deanna, or amanda, or just working and getting my shop on. but what goes hand-in-hand with ‘hanging out’ includes either drinking/smoking/popping something. again, i’m a fried motherfucker.

side-note: somebody please tell me if i’m being overtly vulgar. i used to think i was a polite girl. the kind that uses appropriate language and dresses pwetty. yesterday i got called out by two of the dirtiest people i know on my use of the word, “ass,” which is, apparently, a curse word?…. please!! as if i haven’t told an authority figure, “your momma’s sweet, candy ass!” (as a joke…)  i say it all the time and in old literature, “ass” was as norman as could be. and at work, i GUESS i am known as “the girl who can turn any conversation into a sexual innuendo,” or just plain “nasty.” PLEASE, Y’ALL. I’M A LADY!

what's love, but a secondhand emotion?

my girl T.T. got this debate on my brain for some time. i’m slowly transforming back to my bitter, cold, old self. but not bitter and cold about EVERYTHING, noo. just love and whatever love may be. i mean, what the fuck is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? if you are not planning on marrying the other person, why not break up right away? i don’t understand the years of togetherness spent just to have everything taken from you. and i mean fucking EVERYTHING. to some, maybe a little heartache. but for people like me, your entire life was just stolen. friends, family, career, time/money invested, the will to move on, etc.
i call relationships straight dating. you’re not in it for the long haul, so you’re free to do whatever. if you don’t have a ring on your finger, who’s to say your “boyfriend” isn’t out there choppin’ some shit up with someone else? you DON’T know, and if they’re not ready to make that commitment, then they’re just not yours to control.

don’t wonder why the divorce rate is so high in this day and age. thirty years of your life have gone by and you’re settling for whatever you can get. yeah, dwell on failed relationships of the past, and assume the position as love’s bitch-ass slave.

it seems like relationships are developing into a massive game of musical chairs. except now the odds of winning are slimmer, because gays and religion come in to play. we won’t all win, and that makes us sad. maybe the end IS nigh.

end

some shit i hope to get for christmas

- a boyfriend, derrick would do, too. not gna lie. lol
- a romantic surprise!
- disneyland deluxe annual pass
- ‘laugh with me leelee’ perfume by benefit @ sephora
- leopard print snuggie / huge fleece blanket  with matching fitted sheets/pillowcases, twin size
- pretty, but padded bras… i wear a 36B :D depends where, though
- jewelry tree that organizes mostly earrings
- leather shoulder bag / huge bag lady purse in a neutral color
- a hair straightener that gets HOT, preferably con-air or better
- hair dryer with diffuser attachment
- any katamari damacy/tekken/streetfighter/mortal kombat games for ps/ps2
- gameboy advance sp
- dvds for the following shows i adore, in this order: family guy, good eats… family guy lol

sober

i’ve been sober from derrick for three, whole, glorious days! yeah, don’t believe me - but peep my phone… no texts to him. no calls to him. and likewise. i really don’t know why….. i mean, i really don’t know as to WHY i ever let myself feel so bad. ITS FUCKING… DERRICK…. hahaha. he’s an ok guy. but everybody knows he’s a cheeseball. a flake. loose with his money. a downer. obsessed with popular culture. obsessed with people liking him. i was the only one who ever felt like derrick was needed. i did everything to make him feel good. and he just didn’t want it. and that’s maddd pathetic on both our parts. especially his, because he really DID lose something worth while. i was in it forever, no fucking joke, man. and i accepted all his lame qualities because i only saw the good outweighing the bad. NOTE: IT WAS NEVER EASY TO LOVE DERRICK. it was like guzzling bitter medicine blended with various animal guts and puu puu. he was just a negative influence, but i love it. i always have, secretly. a struggle and strain irregardless… anyway. i want to make it clear that there is no “we” as far as derrick and i am concerned. i don’t think there ever really was, and that was on his part. like i have always said, i put everything into what we had. EV. ER. Y. THING. and i didn’t stop until he just let me go. HE let ME go. as a “wife.” a “girlfriend.” and eventually, he let me go altogether, even as a friend. so, its time to build that bridge…….

all i really want to do is go to knotts/disneyland with a half filipino, 1/4 chinese, 1/4 something else boy named wesley yap :( and i wish he’d make me a pair of overalls and a selena bustier! ~ *thanks, wes. mehehehe*

and by the way. i’m thankful for the red hot chili peppers and especially for their song, scar tissue. i’m thankful for controlled substances, my few good friends, my sparkling personality, my immediate family, and my eye for all things tasteful and classic. happy thanksgiving

my kitchen caught on fire tonight

am i lame

i miss ex-cuddy from time to time. don’t ask me why, i don’t even know. i play Next-Too Close and i think of the night we hooked up and how he asked me to dance cuz i said aloud, “THIS IS THE JAM!” he got up, pointed at me (drunk), and said, “ME AND YOU, ADRIENNE!” lol. good times. then he practically ripped off my clothes 20 minutes later…

newsflash: my hermit crab, dylan, died somewhere between the beginning and end of daylight savings time. the weather was really too cold for him, i miss him. seriously…

derrick is… what derrick is. what can i say? i have nothing but love in my fragile and bitter heart. only fragile and bitter thanks to derrick. oh, derrick… “it could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard,” says lauryn hill.
i think about my favorite line in atmosphere’s song, “fuck you lucy,” whenever derrick says: CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS???? the line reads: she said that she still wants a friendship, she can’t live her life without me as a friend, i can’t figure out why i’d give a damn to what she wants, i don’t understand the now before the then. honestly, why do i? shit, atmosphere comes hard in this track. the song is so intensely relatable to me… why!

and why am i the only one with balls to say what and about who? every post i read on my dashboard contains stories about people with no identities. if you can’t complete one intelligent thought about someone by collecting the nerve the say it aloud, you probably shouldn’t have thought it. you have no reason or evidence to think what you did, so why should you be allowed to say so indirectly, honestly? and plus, its just annoying when people have to wonder if they’re that indirect person you’re referring to. that’s my opinion. a lot of people would disagree. but to be honest, if we all were just honest, unnecessary difficulties wouldn’t have to exist.
but hey, play it safe. don’t listen to me, i get in trouble with my honest mouth. but i sleep better at night than you do, i’m sure. the reality of it all is: lies are frowned upon, you know they’re bad, yet, people still want to commit the crime. i say, speak the truth. let people get what they truly deserve. forgive easily. embrace humility. see black or white, and work the little details accordingly. and don’t SAY SHIT, if you DON’T KNOW SHIT. okay wheeee time for a cigarette

i love my ex

i really do. :( pathetic~
we talk way too often for me to move on. and when i said i loved him, i meant it, which is why i took so long to say it back (just to clarify, he said it 2-3 months into the relationship, i started saying it a couple months later). my thoughts on what love is:
UNCONDITIONAL. it lasts. FOREVER. never dies. if you “fall out” of love or change your mind, you didn’t mean it. i take love in its purest form and anything under that is just a front. love is overly forgiving. i feel if you must discipline, forgiveness has to happen first. i don’t believe there is trust in love, because its faith whose bond holds A LOT stronger than “trust,” a word that people say only to demean its definition. faith motivates me more to keep love because its based on your hope. with trust, i want to say i feel mandated by a law to keep a promise i might not. putting your faith in someone gives them room for freedom, allowing for love to come at will instead of by force. like described in the bible, love isn’t jealous, proud, etc. mostly because it doesn’t NEED to be. this is why i think people my age are too young to know what love is. because they are jealous and too proud about the people they claim to love. real love can’t last when these things exist (obviously). love is also brutal. brutally honest. but not honest without acceptance. again, it is unconditional: you are basically signing your life away because you are so willing to do so, forever….… .  .   .   .

I fear that one day, I'm going to give up on you. Who's going to care for you like I did? No one. So don't push me away now.

acbajet:

» rudie

~life story~